News round-up: April 1st

Gregoire finds $6 billion in pants pocket, vows to go ahead with budget cuts anyway: At a hastily convened news conference this morning, Governor Gregoire announced she had found $6 billion in a pair of old jeans.

Pressed by reporters for a plan regarding the newly-found funds, Gregoire cited her pledge to pass a fiscally responsible budget: “We’ve spent three months developing an all-cuts budget,  and we won’t let this setback get in the way of our promise to taxpayers.”

Republican leaders applauded her decision, stating: “Governor Gregoire has finally realized that state programs providing health care, basic education and environmental protection are interfering with free market principles. Bravo.”

All University of Washington professors on mandatory furlough; TAs to teach all classes: In light of the recent budget crisis and cuts to the UW operating budget, President Mark Emmert has ordered all tenured faculty to take a mandatory furlough. “I like to think of it as a sabbatical–unpaid, of course,” said Emmert.

In light of the the furlough, classes will be taught exclusively by adjunct faculty and TAs, who often receive poverty wages. Additionally, the University of Washington will be assigning 6 students per dorm room and serving only canned spinach and rye bread in the dining halls.

When asked about how much the sports budget for football and men’s basketball were cut, Emmert declined to commment.

Legislature announces plan to help homeless: Senate Democrats, realizing the need for social programs to help the homeless – but with few budget options available – have agreed to host a ‘tent city’ encampment on the Capital Rotunda for the remainder of the legislative session. Senate Republicans, incensed so many lazy people don’t have jobs, are using the opportunity to check their immigration status.

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